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University ranked “very intolerant of free speech” fights the accusation by banning the study and all involved. Concerned that Russians don’t consume enough alcohol in the month of March, Russia’s Orthodox Church makes St. Grassroots group calls for “The Million Regulators March” on Washington, supported by all who fear the loss of their betters telling them what to do. Will the groundprog be frightened by its own shadow and hide – or will there be another season of insane protests? Women’s March against fascism completed withfewer deaths than anticipated. Feminist historians uncover ghastly concentration camps where so-called “housewives” were forced to live inauthentic lives slaving away in kitchens. Dictionary of the future: Global Warming was a popular computer simulation game, where the only way to win was not to play.

Hillary suggests to counter “fake news” with government newspaper called “Truth” “Pravda” for Russian speakers. Millions of uncounted votes found on Hillary’s private voting machine in her Chappaqua bathroom. Afraid of “dangerous” Trump presidency, protesters pre-emptively burn America down to the ground. Sudden rise in sea levels explained by disproportionately large tears shed by climate scientists in the aftermath of Trump’s electoral victory. FBI director Comey delighted after receiving Nobel Prize for Speed Readingemails in one week. Following hurricane Matthew’s failure to devastate Florida, activists flock to the Sunshine State and destroy Trump signs manually. The Evolution of Dissent: White House edits Orlando transcript to say shooter pledged allegiance to NRA and Republican Party.

ACLU demands federal investigation of Gerber. As Obama instructs his administration to get ready for presidential transition, Trump preemptively purchases ‘T’ keys for White House keyboards. Non-presidential candidate Paul Ryan pledges not to run for president in new non-presidential non-ad campaign. US State Department vows rock-paper-scissors strategic response. Che Guevara’s son hopes Cuba’s communism will rub off on US, proposes a long list of people the government should execute first. Hillary campaign denies accusations of smoking-gun evidence in her emails, claims they contain only smoking-circumstantial-gun evidence. Obama stops short of firing US Congress upon realizing the difficulty of assembling another group of such tractable yes-men.